As I sit here browsing the many vast facebook applications whilst on the toilet on this glorious Monday afternoon, I've caught myself wondering-- for some reason -- why people are so against eating dogs and cats.

I mean.. I'm open to most foods. You just start to wonder.. who really gives a shit if they're considered pets and for some reason are tabooed in our society? I mean.. we had this crazy bitch girl in high school that had pet chickens, but that wouldn't stop me from smothering one of the little fuckers in honey mustard and chowing down on it before class at the Chick-Fil-A.

I can understand why people consider some kind of animals disgusting to eat.. like rats, bats, snakes, or any other type of animal that could potentially kill you if they bite you.. that wouldn't necessarily make me want to bite into them. But there are other things out there.. like squid.. frog.. and different kinds of fish that are pretty disgusting to look at in their pre-deep-fried form, but after you batter their asses and put them in the cooker for twenty minutes, they all pretty much look and taste the same. Especially with some sort of marinade covering them.

All I'm saying is that.. why the hell do people get so offended when the notion of cat eating is brought up? I personally fucking hate cats. I grew up with two of the little fuckers living at my house and hated every minute of it. People eat a lot worse than cat here in America, anyway. Like.. I bought Captain D's for the first time in 10 years yesterday, and just looking at the shit they give you there.. it's disgusting. I think I'd much rather have a nice fillet of cat instead of a shitfood platter from Captain D's any day.

Has anyone ever tested the nutrition value of cat or dog? Who knows.. it could be very good for bones. I'm no nutritionist.. but I know things.

People say they can't eat these kinds of animals because they're smart and they prefer to eat a dumber animal. Now folks.. I've met a few dogs in my day. There are some pretty fucking dumbass dogs out there in this world that deserve to be eaten a little more than some fish and chickens. And why the fuck is it so peachy keen to kill something and not the other just because something's a little dumber? Would cannibalism be ok if we just ate special people? I don't think so.

Well.. I think I'm done on the toilet. That's it. Bye.

-Clint

Sure everybody's got "It's a Wonderful Life" or "A Christmas Story" on the burner in time for Christmas, but doesn't the same old, same old get a little old sometimes with no "same" in sight? The answer is-- hell yes it does. I would have also accepted "Yes". There are definitely more Christmas themed movies out there that some people just don't pick up on as holiday classics. Well let me tell you something, brothers and sisters-- I do. It being the middle of the night and all here at the near dawning of Christmas time, I've felt a sudden urge to write something few will probably read but the same old fuckers I know that have nothing better to do.

But to save you from the contentless blatherings of a tired man, I'll cut this short. Here's my list of holiday classics that I watch every year to catch some Christmas spirit.


-LETHAL WEAPON or DIE HARD (interchangeable)- whether you're dealing with heroin dealing mercenaries or German terrorists with some shitty Eurotrash accents, these two films are the perfect action packed thrill machines perfectly designed to put you right into the Christmas spirit. What's better than Mel Gibson about to blow his own brains out with Bugs Bunny singing Christma Carols in the background?

"Hey son- what day is it?" "IT'S GOD DAMN CHRISTMAS!" Find me a more heartfelt holiday ending than Carl Winslow blowing the shit out of some bloody German carrying an uzi right before a breakout of Winter Wonderland.

I don't think it could be done.

-BLACK CHRISTMAS (the 1974 original, not that bullshit remake)- I'm not sticking to just one genre, here. The horror lover has to wrap his/her presents, too, the same as anyone else-- what better of a movie to watch while doing so than this? You've got John Saxon as a badass cop and a creepy ass psychotic murderer preying on sorority girls during Christmas vacation. What a glorious occasion, destined to unite the entire family in harmonious yule-time bliss.

-BATMAN RETURNS - Do I even have to explain this one? "Two lives.. left... I think I'll save one for next Christmas."




-GREMLINS - Best use of Christmas music in a movie ever. I'm not too Christmas music savvy, so I'm not gonna know the name of this thing, but it's that goofy ass song that's playing right before the mom gets attacked by the Gremlins. "Do you hear what I hear?" This movie really shows that classic Christmas songs are just fucking creepy. And lets not forget about Phoebe Cates and her dad that broke his neck on Christmas Eve climbing down the chimney. They thought it was a dead bird or a cat or something until they pulled his ole rotten merry ass out of the fireplace with an armful of gifts. I wonder if they kept any of them.

-SCROOGED -

Bill Murray + Christmas Comedy = Bill Murray in a Christmas Comedy. I do believe the sum of that addition problem, in some countries, translates to "Best fucking Christmas Comedy ever made". This movie has everything... ghosts... Bill Murray... everything you need to make an amazing movie.



HONORABLE MENTIONS - Home Alone 1 & 2, Nightmare Before Christmas, Crocodile Dundee in LA

-Clint

Hello fans, friends, and strangers!
We're starting a blog today, and we'll be updating as often as possible. Be sure to check back whenever you can.
Love you guys!
-Harry